@jordangerous I always back in to chairs because one of my testicles is the size of a turnip. Makes sense.
@hunkybloodydory Most of us are coffee sluts...
@good_vibes_girl After I shave my chest, I always force snuggle our Golden Retriever. Have you tried dog? It's nice.
@livewire3791 That plate would make dogs cry...
@good_vibes_girl Thank you! Thinking of you also and rubbing margarine on the soles of my feet.
@heatherjs That would be epicness...
Stealing the idea and writing the screenplay right now.
@LindaInDisguise Tell me more about your stuffing. Did you have to hang on to the bed posts or was it an all at the table affair?
@mrsmcglover Lots of colours of lightsabers. It was also quite diverse.
Not as bad as having a raccoon shit on your forehead.
@jeffereydanger I know so... * waves with a stump *
@jeffereydanger Mmm... True dat! Also, still better than losing a hand in a rhythmic gymnastics event.
@jeffereydanger Yeah, as I said, "colouring book". Brutal.
You should not let stupid people scar you for life.
@jeffereydanger You should ask those tattoo people to draw it on paper first... That's just cruel... I hope you didn't have to pay for it.
@cmdr_hd Ambien does that to you!? I'm not sure we have that in Canada but it sounds pretty sweet!
@jeffereydanger It really looks like someone "special" saw that in a children's colouring book and then tried to draw it on your chest.... 😲 Happy you got it off!
@jeffereydanger How long did it take to wash that bad kid's drawing off your chest? Holy shit! 😳
@breeinthestee I know this one! In the bowling alley and a whale walks by and you have to shower and scrub yourself for hours to get the Burger King smell out of your hair.
@good_vibes_girl That's the way we have 'em around these parts too!
@louieresang It wasn't all bad... most people are fucking annoying and not being forced to socialize with them has been quite nice.
Friendly reminder to stop talking about pooping as a normal function of the body. Be better
Retweeted by Beerhaze
@veggieboyroy I saw your tweet just now. Another mystery of the universe...
@good_vibes_girl When you have green teeth - and stool, and don't care?
@thrill_tweeter The second scribble make my head hurt... Value bread?
If you were my student, I would put you over my knee!
@fraterfdisk Goofy how everything "mysterious" is always filmed by a toddler, using a shoe...
@fraterfdisk Yeah... Jupiter is rational. The "movement" observed is only shown in relation to the building (changes quickly by simple taking a few steps.) Camera shake doesn't help. Any twinkling or rapid changes is most likely atmospheric.
@GimmeDemTxTacos I like that I have one testicle the size of a turnip.
@GMTminus7 I will check it out. It looks fun and rewarding.
That sensation you get when you lick a brand-new 9 volt battery? Any idea how to transfer that sensation to your balls without using clamps directly on your testicles?
@Maui_Speaks Just to add... I assume the brothel-look is not a thing then?
@Maui_Speaks I know right? Mayo, garlic and hot sauce make my lips glisten.
@Maui_Speaks I'm a practical and a clever monkey. Perhaps huffing and puffing in a gym is not optimal BUT being fat and out of shape is a major comorbidity.
If we all went to the gym - we would live longer and become more conservative.
Me? I don't go to the gym... I have wifey to-do lists.
@Maui_Speaks I'll be here... I'm super-smart. My nipples are also super-hard. Do not disappoint me!
@Maui_Speaks Not ALL that stuff always in the right order... 😳
... visual works across language barriers and perfect grammar.
@Maui_Speaks Did something change? He always looked like a snake to me.
One day Covid is gonna be over and I’m gonna have to come up with new excuses not to see people again.
Retweeted by Beerhaze
@GMTminus7 I watched the video... I liked the ink on glass (without the white). I am perfectly heterosexual and okay to admit that I will have to try this (unless the ink is silly expensive.)
@Maui_Speaks True dat'! Alcohol is a gateway to salty, savory and glistening pork - preferably smoked a bit at some point. Also, obscene dancing - and poor plastering jobs.
Anyone else have that dream where you go to the grocery store and the cashier asks you to donate to a charity, buy a lottery ticket, or heroin, and you just ram a lawn dart in to their forehead? Okay... just me then...
@GMTminus7 Not sure how deep the colour goes or how the material can be manipulated. The colour does look fantastic!
@GMTminus7 I figured... 😀 I will look it up (on YouTube?)... I'm just knee deep in something right now and it's soul-suckingly annoying... files not transferring properly for some reason.
@KeyLimeShy It will be fine... All the annoying fucking vegans will be in hell.
@rn_murse Don't know the girl... never ate at that burger restaurant.
@Maui_Speaks That's so pretty, clean and perfect... it makes me feel like I live in a crack den. 😑
Worked in tech with this man with 'presence'. He quit and joined the priesthood... Years later, I had knee surgery and while stoned in the hospital and reading Angels and Demons... He came to see me. He's a Bishop now... So yeah, bitches, I have real back-up if ever possessed!
@GMTminus7 The green-ish coloured one looks a bit like (too perfect) opal.
@GMTminus7 Never heard of alcohol ink... Looks pretty and sounds delicious - I will look it up.
@louieresang Mine do... because I'm always slightly itchy and a bit whore-ish.
@shanethevein The last two years I got stuck doing it at 14°F... No more... Not this years... They are up! We'll just call them Pandemic lights until people get into the holiday spirit.
@ScottAdamsSays This poll is for simple-minded people... How about plumbers, electricians, miners and Irish males as a whole?
Twitter sent me this to remind me how many times they have locked me out of my account and forced me to delete tweets. https://pic.twitter.com/yNNPMC7eDS
It's been a pleasure! Nite'! I'm making a butt-ton of 'Karjalanpiirakka' tomorrow. I need to close my eyes for a bit... Perkele! 🇫🇮
@ginnygmc I don't know about all that... I'm a simple monkey. I just want everyone to have a chance to suck and chew and George Soros' neck skin before they are enslaved. 😗
My left nipple is more sensitive than my right nipple... Is this because I'm right-handed and have played with the more easily accessible one more than the other? Thoughts? Comment below.
@ginnygmc But sure lets go eotj yjay! Sexy timre!
@ginnygmc I:m tyopuig on my keyboartd without looking ad correcting anything. This took 2 seconds to type//.
@ginnygmc In the end, it's just about career politicians (blue and red) stuffing their coffers with outside money. The same way it has been since forever.
These are annoying times... If Biden becomes President-elect after the electoral vote in December and fulfills his "very dark winter" promise... He will be the most hated U.S. President ever if it involves cancelling the NHL season.
@ginnygmc I van tupe 0- or so words [er ,iniye wityh out even trying tro hard and looking rtodn on myu jeyoatrd. Bit af for a monkiey.
@jeffcalloway @GlassesUSA ... it felt like I was drunk on a moving boat... Progressive glasses take practice. Different frames with different shape lenses will also take some time to get used to. For me, it took about a week to be fully comfortable but for others it might take longer. All the best! (2/2)
@jeffcalloway @GlassesUSA Jeff, it might take some time to get used to progressive lenses. The experience of focal point affect people differently. On my worst eye, +8.25 with an ADD (reading) of +2.00. Tilting your head and adjusting becomes automatic after a while. When first putting the on... (1/2)
@Maui_Speaks @Peterfishy Naaah! It is just a silly joke. 🤣 I'm sure the intelligence is not that stupid to think that I'm any kind of threat to anything but zombies. My military record will say: Creepily smart team player, loves hot showers and saunas, watching Olympic figure skating, dogs, and bacon.
@shanethevein It's been a stressful year with COVID.
I wish you a beautiful and scrumptious day for tomorrow.
@Wishes_She_Was It wasn't my thong... it was my neighbour's thong... My driving was impeccable.
@Peterfishy @Maui_Speaks Just to clarify for any Canadian and U.S. intelligence reading this communication... by bread - I actually meant bread (for eating.) Sure, I could probably use my wits for all kinds of things but I am a monkey on the side of reason (and not pissing off my wife.) 🥳🍻🤣
@OldSadBastard Well... You didn't really need to shove that tidbit in my face...
@OldSadBastard Oh, noooo... It has been a day of crazy tweets... I thought you were just being a dick. I guess Twitter is at a point now where everything is just a random 50/50. Which is sad.
I was just trying to lighten the dark mood. I hope I didn't mess it up too much.
@OldSadBastard That's horrible, pretty fucking sweet, and heartwarming at the same time. I wish I had been there!
@keep_grace (2) Take turns on the toilet and bond as a clan...
@keep_grace Use a potato ricer. Grated cheddar, too much butter, warm milk, garlic powder, salt. Place in baking dish. Make some peak and valleys with a spoon. Good sprinkling of parmesan on top. Heat in oven to add some colour on top before serving. Force people to add fresh pepper on top.
If forced to pick one person on the planet to face in gladiatorial combat (to ensure survival) using only a yellow Croc as a weapon - I would choose Joe Biden.
@Maui_Speaks I wish I was there... naked... sweating, slip-sliding trying to get up off the floor without hurting myself.
@polyhumorous This whole 'Rona' thing is messed up... I still have my cubs in the house. Won't be too long for them either... Fall 2021 and Spring 2022 and university is done.
Son still in highschool... I guess we have to chain him to the floor.
@Wishes_She_Was Ok-aaaay... House gnomes are really seen either... I do appreciate your assertiveness though. I believe you will just fine! 🥳🍻
@Wishes_She_Was Butterflies or hummingbirds?
Choose wisely... You decision will be judged and scrutinized to the end of Twitter.
No pressure. 😉💕
@Aflgirl126 You'll be okay.
@Maui_Speaks I know... It's pretty bad... Thank Jebus there is no smell-o-Twitter from all those lonely and desperate top-down selfies.
@Aflgirl126 I believe everyone agreed with you about jazz... and if your avi is any indication... You might be the oldest one...🥳
@good_vibes_girl A parrot literally calling my a dirty whorish bastard would be pretty sweet.
@Aflgirl126 You can't fuck to the sound of raccoons eating out of the garbage either... There are a lot of things you can't fuck too...
@someonelikesmeg People with rings on their fingers showing their bare hands in to any kind of food makes me gag...
If I were gay... I wish my lover would be like: "I cleaned the garage, took all the garbage to the curb, made you spicy chicken wings and brought you a cold beer - wanna' fuck?"
@MisterHeart10 Isn't it always on though?
@ScottAdamsSays "These are my hands... You shoulders should fit in between them or I won't smell your hair lovingly..."
What did I win? Can I send you my copy of 'God's Debris' and you sign it for me?
@ScottAdamsSays Jack The Beard (.@Jack) is still on his spiritual journey of lies and make-believe = has no fucking idea what his communist minions are doing within his company - as proven in his Senate hearings.
@GMTminus7 I bet a lot of childhood trauma was exacerbated by that "recipe"...
@GMTminus7 WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING IN RIDDLES? WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT OF WHICH YOU SPEAK!?
@LexoLuthoro How am I talking about entitlement? I don't blindly believe anyone... My charlatan radar is quite finely tuned though.
@LexoLuthoro Agreed. Some on Twitter have gone through things so humiliating, dangerous, disgusting, painful and scarring things that "normies" would throw up on themselves if told in person.
BUT I still think 'most' Millennials are spoiled whiners.